Rebuilding Trust and Finding Forgiveness in the Wake of Betrayal

Speaker 1: 0:00

And over the past few weeks we've been delving into this topic of trust and we've been talking about it jumping off of Dr Henry Cloud's book called Trust. We've talked about the core elements that define trustworthiness. That's understanding, it's motive, it's ability, character and track record. Trust isn't just nice to have. Trust is essential. It is critical for a faith community such as Madison Church. We're not just a Sunday morning gathering. This isn't just something that you come and check it off and move on with the rest of your week. We really are a community and if you're newish with us, you're watching or listening online. That really is our heart. It's faith between Sundays. This moment, this event that we have every week, is a catalyst to community and to more growth in the future and to giving back in our city. And catalyst to community and to more growth in the future and to giving back in our city and to do all of these things well, we need trust. If this was just a Sunday morning gathering and that's all we cared about, you really don't need to trust the people around you because they're just sitting by you. The trust level would be really low. If it was just about my talks, you could have a healthy skepticism with me and fact check me all you wanted, but you'd really. Basically, your trust would just be with me and me alone. But we're not, and so trust is vital, and that is why we're doing this study, because if we want to be successful in our mission of connecting people with God and each other, we have to have trust. You do have to trust me To some degree. I would think, if you continue to be here, we have to develop some repertoire of trust. You do have to trust me To some degree. I would think, if you continue to be here, we have to develop some repertoire of trust. You got to trust our elders to some point. If you don't trust us, it's going to hurt your spiritual growth. You're not going to trust what we're saying. You're not going to trust what we're doing. It's going to slow things down. I'm not saying give it to us blindly. What we've talked about the last two weeks is how to earn trust, and I hope that we're earning trust from you.

Speaker 1: 1:53

You have to trust the people you're sitting by in small group here on Sunday mornings on your volunteer team. Are they going to show up when they say they are? Are they going to do the things that they say they're going to do. If I confide in a small group about something that's going terribly wrong in my life, are these people a safe space for me to do that, so that I can grow and have health? Or are these people going to have a conversation about me after I leave? Oh my gosh, can you even believe?

Speaker 1: 2:18

We need to have trust in one another. We need to trust God with a lot of things in our lives, most importantly, your soul. Have you thought about that? You trust God to take care of your soul after the one thing that's guaranteed to happen in this life happens. You are all only guaranteed to die. That's the only real guarantee you have in this life. You were born okay, I guess that's not even a guarantee, but you were born and then you die and you're trusting God. When I die, take care of me. Trust is vital to our faith and without trust relationships with each other, with you and me, and with God they can't be as healthy and robust as we want them to be.

Speaker 1: 3:00

And, as I've been alluding to the last few weeks, I told you this isn't like my favorite way to end a series. I always like ending series and building us up to something that's like life-giving, and to the full. I've been leaning into this idea that you can do all of the right things that we have been talking about. Read Dr Cloud's book, do the homework, and somebody's still going to hurt you. Somebody's still going to break your trust. It is inevitable. And so today that is what we're going to talk about what happens when, not if.

Speaker 1: 3:38

What happens when your trust is broken? Sometimes trust is broken and it is intentional. Lying to our families and friends about our whereabouts, financial things that we're doing, hiding significant issues like an addiction, would be an intentional way of breaking trust. Participating in or creating damaging rumors about colleagues is a way that we break trust. Excluding people from activities we have a small group and we're all going to go out, but don't invite so-and-so because, whatever reason, that is an intentional way that you are breaking trust with another individual in your life.

Speaker 1: 4:17

But let's not be naive. I think for a lot of us we accidentally and unintentionally break the trust of other people. We may be so caught up with our own issues that we overlook the emotional needs of our family members and that leads them to feeling neglected. We're so caught up in ourselves that we don't understand and that basic thing understanding with trust they're hurt and we unintentionally blow their trust. Parents who apply rules inconsistently Parents, if you apply rules inconsistently, this confuses your kids, this confuses them and it undermines the trust that you're trying to build with your children and your students that you're trying to build with your children and your students.

Speaker 1: 5:07

Accidentally oversharing or sharing sensitive information is a way that you unintentionally ruin trust. Volunteering for more tasks than is realistic can lead to feelings of other people being disappointed in you and mistrust. Can I really trust them to do what they say they're going to do? When they say they're going to volunteer Missing events, yeah, I'll be there, I'll be there, and then always never being there. There's always something that comes up. That's an erosion of trust. Ironically, the one thing that we can trust you to do is to not show up when you say you're going to show up and that's not the reputation that you want to have in this community or in any community work, home, neighborhood that's not what you want and, as we've been learning, there are signs that someone might not be trustworthy. We can look at their motive. We can look at their character. We can look at their track record. There are signs, but there will be times when you have done the work of trust and you have checked all of the boxes and they still mess up and they still break your trust. However, there is still hope. There is still hope when trust is broken, and we're going to talk about that today the strategies to rebuild trust and strengthen it.

Speaker 1: 6:22

But before I do have to throw out two disclaimers that I think are just really important for us to get on the table here and to clarify One it's important to remember that not every mistake is a violation of trust. So not every mistake, not every wrong thing you do is a violation of trust. Sometimes you just mess up and that's all it is. You just messed up, you hurt someone's feelings, you said something you shouldn't have said, you did something you shouldn't have done, but it's not necessarily a violation of trust. You cannot say everything that someone does or everything that someone says is a violation of trust. We have to have some discernment. A lot of things people do or say is either building trust or taking away, but sometimes that is not the case. Trust is not about being flawless. Trust is not about being flawless. It's about making consistent efforts, engaging in honest communication and being open to learning from our mistakes. That's what trust is. And two, recognizing unavoidable betrayals.

Speaker 1: 7:23

In this whole series, we've been talking about taking responsibility. Am I a trustworthy person? And then how do I evaluate if someone else is trustworthy? But let me just state right now you might have been the victim of a crime. That's not your fault. There's no responsibility for you to take. It wasn't your fault. And for some of you who might have been abused as a kid, you should have, as a kid, been able to trust the adults who were in your life. You should have been, and that is not your fault that that happened, whatever that was. You need to hear that and let that sink in, as we're talking about trust and rebuilding trust. If something happened to you, someone you trust, you're the victim of a crime. It is not your fault. And what I want you to hear is that sometimes, rebuilding trust just is not possible. Sometimes, rebuilding trust just is not possible. Protecting yourself and setting boundaries with those who have hurt you is not only justified, but it is necessary for your well-being. Okay, all right, let's talk about how we can rebuild trust once it's been broken. Step one we need to recover. Let's acknowledge that we were hurt. We have to sit in the pain a little bit. We have to stare it in the face.

Speaker 1: 8:38

I was not good at this. When my trust was broken early on, I wanted to fix everything by five o'clock tonight so I could begin tomorrow a brand new day and we could focus on the future. I just wasn't emotionally intelligent enough or feel like I had permission to look in and say this really hurt me. I felt like it made me a weak leader, like my skin was too thin to admit that this hurt me, that it really made me sad, that it broke me up. I was scared to admit, to admit that this hurt me, that it really made me sad that it broke me up. I was scared to admit to anyone that this makes me feel like quitting, this makes me feel like running. I couldn't admit it and so, as part of that, my healing it was stunted. It was stunted, it was delayed because I wasn't dealing with it.

Speaker 1: 9:20

You see, trust is one of those things that, when it comes to our recovery and when it's broken, you can try to ignore the negative feelings and the pain and suffering, but it doesn't go away, it lingers and it hangs out and it'll show up in other unexpected areas of your life and so we have to deal with it. We have to deal with pain. Here at Medicine Church we recognize that and not only embrace that you have to deal with your pain, but that we should do so in a community aspect. You shouldn't just deal with your pain all by yourself, lonely and isolated. It's a start. It's a start, but really should be done in the context of community and a group. We are called here at Madison Church every person here, if you're part of our community we are called to not just be here for each other. When things are good, we're called to be here. When things are hard, when things suck for someone else, we're supposed to be here.

Speaker 1: 10:16

Paul starts a letter to the Corinthians this way. He says he, god comforts us in all of our troubles so that we can comfort others. Why does God comfort us? Well, paul says in part so that we can comfort other people. If you've ever experienced God's comfort in your life, know that in part. The reason that he did that for you, part of the why is so that we can comfort other people. If you've ever experienced God's comfort in your life. Know that in part the reason that he did that for you, part of the why is so, that you could comfort other people when they are troubled. We will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Speaker 1: 10:45

Paul is saying don't just take God's comfort and hold it. I'm so hurt, god, and the situation is terrible. Yes, all those things are true. Paul is saying pay it forward. What God has given you, you are to pay it forward. You don't stash it, save it, bury it, but you plant it, you let it grow, you throw it out. You're generous with the comfort that God has given you.

Speaker 1: 11:08

This passage reminds us that we all have an active role in everyone's life, in this faith community, when it comes to rebuilding trust. We're not supposed to just be friends, but bearers of comfort and support, reflecting the love and care that we have received from God ourselves, which means we gotta do work. We gotta do work, gotta do work. Between Sundays it's not just high fives and nice to see and I'll see you next week. We should be texting each other, calling each other, sharing meals, going out to eat, inviting people over. You go golfing, you bring bottles of bourbon over and you guys all share it. You guys do the things that friends do. You're doing the work, so that way, when something does go wrong, you already have trust with other people. It's already built. You're not coming in new, but you already have trust built with people and we all will need each other.

Speaker 1: 11:59

You might be in a really good season of life right now and everything's great, and there's some people around you and they're in a terrible season. You're like I really don't want to deal with this, but we're called to that. We're called to help each other out because eventually the tables will turn. All of you, no matter how much money you make or don't make man, woman, black, white, gay, straight, whatever it is the roles are going to be reversed at some point and you're going to be the one that needs these other people who things are going well, and so we need to pay into this system, as it were. We can do it through that, through our community, but at Madison Church we also have resources such as Lindsay's emotional health coaching, and that she can help you too. If trust has been betrayed at a deep level and you're needing help to process things, lindsay can help coach.

Speaker 1: 12:45

So first we're talking about recover. We need to recognize that we've been hurt. But next we've got to talk about forgiveness. We've got to talk about forgiveness. This is a key part of rebuilding trust. But first for us to have forgiveness, we have to admit that we're angry. We have to admit that you're angry. I don't know if you're like me, but anger is one of those emotions you're not supposed to have. I don't know if anyone agrees You're not supposed to feel angry. It's immature or I'm not mature enough to hold my anger in, or I really lost control there. And what we see is that actually isn't true. We're told that God gets angry. We're told that God gets angry.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Paul tells us it's okay to be angry. I love Eugene Peterson's paraphrase, ephesians 4. He says go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry, but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge and don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the devil that kind of foothold in your life. You know what Paul's saying to us. He's saying what I say to Oliver, my son. He's eight. Oliver, it's okay that you're angry. It's not okay for you to talk to your mom that way. Oliver, it's okay that you're angry. It's not okay for you to talk to your mom that way, oliver, it's okay you're angry. It's not okay to hit your brother. God is telling us the same thing too. Son, daughter, it's okay you're angry, but don't use it as fuel for revenge. Don't say that to that person. Don't do that to that person. But it's okay that you're angry, why not? I think this is very interesting, this last line here Don't give the devil that kind of foothold in your life.

Speaker 1: 14:21

What Paul is saying, I believe holding on to anger, it doesn't just make you bitter, it doesn't just make you angry. Paul says it opens you up to spiritual warfare that you don't have to be a part of. Throughout your life. You will deal with spiritual warfare. We've talked about that in past series. But Paul is saying you're inviting it, you're opening yourself up when you get angry and stay angry, because that's the part that needs to happen First, when we're rebuilding trust. We admit I've been hurt. Second, I'm angry, they did something wrong. It's okay to say that. I'm learning that right now. It's okay to say they did something wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. They did something wrong, but don't stay there. That's what Paul is warning. That's where God doesn't want us to stay.

Speaker 1: 15:08

Paul continues in a different letter Romans 12, 17,. Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Be angry in such a way that other people see you as honorable. Maybe that's what I should start telling Oliver Not don't say that, don't do that, but is your anger honorable? Because that's what we're looking to do with our anger. This scripture reminds us of the high standard in which we are called as followers of Jesus.

Speaker 1: 15:44

Once we admit we're angry and we let that anger go which might take process okay, I'm not saying it's just the decision you make, but there's a process of letting that anger go then we can forgive, and forgiveness is a choice that you make. You are choosing to cancel the debt. You are choosing to let it go. You may not feel like it. I got to the point where I could forgive the people who would hurt me at church in the early days. I got to the point where were they asking for it? No, they didn't ask for it, but I got to the point where I needed to do that for me. I needed to forgive them so I could move on with my life.

Speaker 1: 16:26

Forgiveness addresses past wrongs and it enables us to move forward without the weight of anger and resentment. We extend forgiveness even to those who aren't asking for it and we choose to cancel it. And you're like well, what if I say I forgive someone and then, like a month later, remember just how angry I am? You might have to remind yourself you forgave them, that's okay? Nope, nope, nope, nope. Stop stop thinking, stop saying that you forgave them. Stephen, if what you said a month ago about forgiving them was true, then you have already chosen to cancel this. So why are you still bringing it up with yourself? Forgiveness, it is a choice that we make.

Speaker 1: 17:06

Now, however, this gets a little confusing. A lot of us confuse trust and forgiveness. I want you to think about forgiveness as being the past. Forgiveness is something that's been done, something that's been said. I cancel that. Trust is about the future. You can forgive someone and not trust them.

Speaker 1: 17:24

That's part of this rebuilding phase, which gets us to the next step. Here we need to reflect. After we've sat in our pain, we've recognized our anger, we've let it go, we've made the choice to forgive, then we sit and we reflect, we ask ourselves questions Is there a compelling reason to pursue rebuilding this relationship. Can I see a bigger picture? Was there a bigger picture going on? Perhaps my trust was broken, but there's something bigger going on that I wasn't aware of and I was more just like kind of caught in action, accidental friendly fire type of situation. What would I like to see happen in this circumstance? It's okay for you to ask that your trust has been broken. They did something. What do you want to see happen now that it's been broken? I mean, you're talking about rebuilding trust and trust Rebuilding it's going to take two of you we're going to talk about that in a minute but it's okay for you to say what do I want going forward in this relationship now that trust has been broken?

Speaker 1: 18:28

This question is critical. Is there something in this relationship or situation still worth fighting for? Your spouse is going to mess up, your kids are going to mess up, your boss is going to mess up, the people who work for you are going to mess up, and you don't just get to cut them off and cancel them forever. That's not what this is about, and so next we got to talk about feasibility. Is this feasible? And so the core question here is has the person who broke the trust acknowledged their actions and taken responsibility.

Speaker 1: 18:57

This is where we bring them in for the first time. Have you noticed? Everything before this point has been about you. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I forgive. Is there a future that I want with this person?

Speaker 1: 19:07

Now, as we're assessing, can we rebuild trust? It's about them. It's not about them being perfect, okay, don't get hung up on that. It's not about them being perfect, but it really is. Are they doing the work? Do they recognize what they did was wrong? Do they understand why what they did was wrong? Are they willing to make changes, not just tell you I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again? That's a start. That's the very basic start. It's like putting your name on an application okay. It's like we got to see behavior changes. What happened?

Speaker 1: 19:40

And then that's when we start getting to this point where some of you are starting to realize you're like wait, a second, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Does this mean I got to have hard conversations with people? Does this mean I got to walk in conflict with people? It does, it does. I'm really excited for you to get to walk in this conflict with people. Let me know how it goes when it's done. Okay, this is the thing. We have to have difficult conversations and some of you you're so scared of conflict that you're like, well, fine, I'll just never rebuild trust again. I mean some of you, you know you respond, you know you're like deep down you're like, yeah, like for real, I'll never rebuild trust again. But, however, if we do that, I think you're limiting yourself to really shallow relationships. If you're not able to have confrontation and conflict with people in a healthy, biblical way, you're going to have very superficial relationships.

Speaker 1: 20:31

I've been reading this book by Mark Manson. I finished it earlier this week. It's probably the best book I've read in the last year and a half. I mean just truly great. And he writes in one of the chapters without conflict there can be no trust.

Speaker 1: 20:43

Conflict exists to show us who is there for us unconditionally and who is there just for the benefits. What does conflict show you with trust? Who is in it despite the conflict, in spite of the conflict, through the conflict, because if somebody's not willing to have conflict with you, it's probably not a great relationship. They're probably there just for the benefits. It says the pain in our relationships, whether it's your marriage, it's with your kids, extended family is necessary to cement our trust in each other and produce greater intimacy. And so if you are somebody and you're just terrified of conflict or confrontation in your life, admitting that you were hurt to someone else, it's time, because you're a choice, a decision away from having some of the best relationships you've ever had, because past the pain is greater and deeper levels of trust. The strongest relationships are not those devoid of problems. You're like, oh, I'm happily married. Nobody I've ever met who's been married for 50 years was like there was never any problems. Okay, there are problems, but it's with those problems that when trust gets broken and we rebuild it, that our relationships become stronger than ever. And stronger than ever.

Speaker 1: 22:03

Remember, rebuilding trust is not just about returning to how things were. It's about a future where things are better than they once were. And it's at this point we'll go real quick here with steps five and six, talking about assessment and evidence and going back to that original kind of model and elements of trust whether people understand us, their desires, skills, all of that. We need to evaluate it. If we got to the point where we're like, yes, I'm willing to rebuild with this person, yes, this person is repentant and willing to do things, we have this objective list in which we can say did this person understand what they did and are they making changes? Does this person have a genuine desire to make things better? Is this a good motivation? Do they have the character, the skills to rebuild this? So we begin to assess what they're doing and we evaluate.

Speaker 1: 22:50

We don't blindly trust somebody who has broken our trust. We don't blindly trust someone we work. Now, this isn't just about again them doing the work. This is a two-way street. Rebuilding trust is a complex process, but it holds the potential for some really positive and great growth, really great growth.

Speaker 1: 23:13

It's crucial here for us to end by reflecting on the ultimate example, I think, of forgiveness and trust. When we look at Jesus. His life, his death, his resurrection displays profound levels and depths of trust and the power of forgiveness, and he is, after all, who we follow. We do follow his example. He doesn't say just learn about me. He doesn't say don't learn about me, learn about my culture, learn about the language I spoke. He doesn't say any of those things. He says come, follow me.

Speaker 1: 23:44

And so, when it comes to trust and forgiveness and anger and working with people for the future, we look at Jesus, our example and we say what did he do? Well, what he does for you today is he continuously trusts you with a role in his kingdom and responsibilities, despite the fact that he knows you're going to mess it up. Despite the fact he knows you're going to mess it up, he still trusts you. He still trusts you. You might have done some things that he's got to trust you a little less. I'm not saying that's not in the realm of possibilities you might have. They're possible that you blew some stuff and now there's a different path for your life okay. But it's possible that he still trusts, he still offers us forgiveness and, what's more, he did it before you even knew you needed it.

Speaker 1: 24:30

Romans 5, 10,. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of the son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his son. And here reconciliation. That word refers to the restoration of a broken relationship, and in this case it was a broken relationship with God. In this relationship, god forgave us before we could ask him. That's something I shared. I've done that. I'm sure you have done that. Before we could ask, god extended forgiveness to us. And so, when we think in our own lives, I just can't forgive that person. We have to do the work Jesus calls us to forgive it, no matter how bad, how terrible they are, no matter how bad and terrible what they did to you, where God is led by example and says I forgive. Now you forgive. And I'm not saying again this isn't a switch, I know you don't just okay, that's forgiven, but it is a choice and we begin to work toward that.

Speaker 1: 25:27

And it's at this point that, if you have not yet decided to follow Jesus, or if you find yourself kind of drifting away from active faith, I want to invite you to consider this moment a turning point in your life.

Speaker 1: 25:43

In light of this discussion on trust today, rebuilding it the last couple of weeks where we're going to talk about next week, think about the possibility of a life where you are fully supported, where you're part of a community that strives to live out these principles on trust and forgiveness demonstrated by Jesus. This isn't just about faith. It's about life filled with hope, real hope, empowerment and the promise of a supportive community. I want to keep coming back to the why we're doing a series on trust Because we are His church, we are His community. We are on mission together, and that requires trust. Following Jesus opens doors with relationships that you didn't know were there. You can have the best relationships of your life tomorrow as you walk alongside Jesus, of your life tomorrow as you walk alongside Jesus. So, together, let's embrace the journey of trust, guided by the example of Jesus, and see how our lives and relationships transform in the light of his grace and truth.